VIRGIN MARY 1
Please help pass this on to Mary, your sister. She wrote me last week asking for advice. She probably read Letter to My Future Daughter PT. 3 ( WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE?)
My dear Mary, I admire your moral stance on this issue. I do admire your desire to maintain your "no premarital sex" stance. My worry though is the scheming, the correspondence you are looking for and the latent effect of your somber sexual life in marriage. Plus, I think you are confusing virginity for purity.
Now, it is deceptive for you to think that a man who loves you will not want to touch you. That is a dubietable belief. Men do not have to fall in love with you not to be sexually attracted to you. A man who loves you and is passionately so, will want to have sex with you. Infact, the deeper and passionate his love is, the more desirous he is to consummate the love with sex. Your case is one of those relationships that "just happened”. You know, those relationships you can’t really explain the genesis of. You know how the relationship started but you don’t know why it started – exactly what prompted what.
Fact is, in every relationship we’re all coming from somewhere. Some are coming from a dream space, and so they approach a relationship romantically. While some are moving out with the jinx of a relationship that saw a displeasing end. Some are coming from pain, from a bad experience, some just come with a particular mindset and so they treat their counterparty with suspicion. Anything that REMOTELY SUGGESTS something in their bad experience is viciously hacked down. Decrees are soon issued and introduced, emotional boundaries unilaterally dictated and determined.
Your partner has been pushed to become mechanical in the relationship, bereft of all the naturalness that prompted his emotional involvement with you in the first place. You pushed him to have to prove he has no ulterior motive, he’s not a bad person– and he can’t understand that. Neither can I. Why such accusations? Why make your virginity a subject of discussion whenever you sit with him? you are parsimoniously basing this relationship on your virginity. And he can’t test your virginity unless he sleeps with you, in which case you'll no longer be and you won’t marry, being a virgin. The truth is, all he has is your word. It’s what you say you are that you are at this stage of your relationship. He can’t even verify your word without compromising your faith. Now, here’s the irony of your quest for marrying, being a virgin: He's not a virgin himself. At some point before he met you, he engaged in sexual congresses. In other words, he has a past. In the same vein, you also have a past. You've been in previous relationships you had to walk away from. Your man loves you dearly, he showed it by spending heavily on you. You never failed to call on him when you are in one financial crisis or the other. You just couldn't give him sex. You made a lot of foreplays with him. You cuddled, fondled, kissed, but when he wants to feel himself inside you, "no sex before marriage remember" You unalterably reminded him.
Click here to Read Letter to My Future Daughter PT. 2 (BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)
You made him feel he was dating you just to have sex with you. He could not understand why his innocent words were treated with so much suspicion, and interpreted in unsavoury light. He could not understand why you were issuing commands, and the texts were getting stentorian in tone. You perfected the act of emotional fraud. Yes, it was fraud to have your boyfriend act like a husband when you were not married. How did you get him to perform those duties of a husband when you were not married? You are the perfect schemer. You managed to scheme with this same modus operandi in your previous relationships. And now. You are about to scheme your way out of this one. You are keeping your virginity till marriage, for your future husband. Why don't you allow him keep his money till marriage for his future wife. When he begins to sense the fraud, you'll move your technical virginity to another unsuspecting Mr.
You essentially took the relationship, removed some stuff, realigned some, and began to manipulate the relationship. You repainted the new structure you created, and presented it to the guy as what he wants! The guy was just meant to accept it, which he invariably did but with a hidden caveat. He began to draw back on the inside, no longer trusting you– didn’t even know how to relate with you again. Meanwhile you thought you were protecting yourself, not knowing you were accusing him. You thought you were defining boundaries not knowing you were confusing him. And because you were not the recipient of those accusations, you couldn’t feel the pain of the other party. You didn’t realize that in all that manipulation you wrecked something vital in the relationship – sincerity.
You are using the wrong parameters to look for a life partner. You must learn to use appropriate yardstick to judge and determine issues. You don’t use a ruler for example to measure the purity of water. That’s an inappropriate instrument though a measurement. Neither do you use a windguage to measure the pressure of a tyre. It’s a wrong pressure gauge. In the same manner, you can’t use lack of erection near you as parameter to determine the suitability of a conjugal prospect. You even need to be sure he is not suffering from erectile dysfunction. In fact, ask him to go for a test. If you base your marriage decision on such, you’re clearly using a wrong means of measurement. Celibacy alone for example cannot help you determine if he’s clean or a relative of Unhygienic of Asterix fame. That’s how people arrive at wrong marital decisions. They use wrong parameters. And such a mistake can prove very costly to a woman in particular.
Click here to Read Letter to My Future Daughter PT. 1 (PARENTAL PREFERENCE)
You have unconsciously reduced your self worth to your hymen. Are you saying if your hymen is broken, you would have sex at random? Is the randy you hiding behind your virginity? Are you saying you are pure because your hymen is not broken? Do you value yourself more than non-virgins? If you pair off your commonised assets, one by one, all the basic stuff you have in common with other women, generic stuff, at some point you’ll get to your core – the very you – a “something” that is so you. It is a combination of factors all fused together. No one can have that core except you. It’s your combination. It’s what makes you remain attractive in a relationship. It’s beyond just the physical. The physical soon loses appeal after some time in a relationship. It gives room for some other lasting things. Your soul, your heart, your mind, these are where a woman's true essence is. Not in her virginity. And these are the things you should make him fall in love with. You are basing this relationship on your virginity, which you normally, shouldn't. You are taking his love and sympathy for granted. Remember he never had a 'virgin' as a condition precedent when you started dating. When you finally leave this guy, your next may not be so considerate. He may end up living your fears. You may fall for the pressure finally with the wrong guy. The type that makes girls conclude "all guys are thesame".
You wanted to be in control of the relationship, to control the dynamics, dictate the terms. An attempt was even made to change the narrative from a relationship that just happened, to one in which the guy chased you. You altered the balance of affection in the relationship to accumulate power, but then the other party begins to wonder. You end up presenting an unflattering picture of yourself, which made the guy sigh. Several times. By your actions, accusations and suspicions you have made him afraid of getting close to you. And you’re hurting yourself.
As it is now you’ve portrayed to the gentleman you’re doing him a favour, that you really don’t need him or the relationship. Which is not true. He floods your thoughts every second of everyday. And you do not know how to swim. You actually need the relationship, and you need him. By becoming manipulative in the relationship you killed something innocent and natural. And you’ve compounded it all by your inability to say I’m sorry, I did wrong, I couldn’t help myself!
I’ll touch on the other side of the coin when next I write you on this topic.
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine