Saturday, 25 June 2016

Letter to my Future Daughter PT. 3 (WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE)


Dear Future Daughter,

How many times do I have to tell you? Please, pay attention when a man is telling you what he prefers. Pay particular attention to those things that cause him bliss. Things that frees him from mental stress. then will you know what you are to bring to the table in a relationship. You don't want to go through this again, this is the second time in three years you've asked me this question. Your last intrigue was incinerating. Not paying attention will lead to an albatross of its own. Your partner begins to feel lonely in the relationship. He can't converse with you. He attempted to, but it came to a precipitous end. He felt like he was having an introspection anyway. Its strange because he can be with you and still feel lonely. Loneliness is a fact of life. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can even be the life of the party and feel terribly lonely. The reason is because loneliness is a soulish phenomenon, it’s not physical. And there is no “cure” for loneliness. It’s not a disease. It’s a conceptual aftermath of Adam’s creation – a byproduct. As a feature, it makes us want to mate and marry, and create family, relationship and community. A marriage partner must be able to make us feel unlonely. Isn't that the reason why marriage is seen as companionship?

Men have vagaries of preference. As their faces differs, so does their needs. Men needs in relationship range from food, sex, philosophical musings, careers, partnership, religious views or inclinations, et al. Your partner is not existing on a different planet. He too have needs and preference. You can understand his needs by understanding his intellectual depth. It will always take a man with deep philosophical musings and understanding to be speculative about what you are offering. You are not reckful enough. His needs are hidden under his expressions and form of satisfaction. There is this psychological void you are yet to fill or explore. Such is necessary for the maintenance of the homeostasis of a movement away from balance. With your brain, beauty and accomplishment, you can be the best package for a man. Beauty alone may not stand the viability test for all men. And your accomplishments sometimes may have a reverse effect.


I am telling you this things so you will not be a victim of grand deceit. Yes, grand deceit is now prevalent in relationships. By grand deceit I mean dating a girl and giving her the impression you will marry her, but planning another wedding. In one or two cases there was even a family introduction, but no plan whatsoever to marry the girl. Just deceit. The guys in question planned two weddings simultaneously without any intention of showing up at one. Just as your friend's partner knew he won’t marry her, yet he kept her, all the while planning wedding to another. The girl never knew he had another girlfriend, and he kept sleeping with her, giving her false hopes and making demands. That is the sad tale when you do not know what you are worth in any relationship. The man drew up his scale of preference according to his values which is different from his needs. He has drawn up his values which is regarded as what is most important to him. Unfortunately for your friend, she did not make the list. she was still not able to fill that psychological void after six years. There were the abortions, the cooking, sacrifices, emotional support, care during this six years, she was even working hard and financially dependent… She gave her life to him. And to think the deceit went on for a whole year. That’s unconscionable, cruel and dastardly. The timing shows he started dating this young woman about the time he started planning his wedding to your friend. The young lady found out he was getting married a day to the wedding. And it was accidental discovery. Someone assumed she was the one getting married. She came to remonstrate her for excluding her from the planning. You can imagine the devastation brought on this young lady by the news… The shock! She fell sick. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Did you just murmur? The man should be able to shift grounds at least, adjust his position right? That is just the world you live in. It shows you the nefarious nature of men. I mean how can a woman do all that for him and he still feels she is not bringing anything to the table? Men are at an advantage when it comes to relationships. Maybe in other climes things would be different. But "this is Africa"

I’m very worried about a young man capable of doing that to another human. It takes a lot. If I were you I’ll be careful around such a friend. He’s capable of anything. Anything can happen if you do that to a lady– actively and aggressively deceiving her about marrying her. He aggressively built false hopes in this young woman– that he’ll marry her. That’s wicked. This young man doesn’t understand anything about life. Deceit is self-obligatory. HIS day is coming! Either he will be made to pay here by man or life will pay him back. Haven't you heard of the case of Use v Iketubosen (1975) WRNLR 187? The defendant was in breach of contract to marry by conduct. Damages can be awarded against such men in a court of Law. Nature itself also have a way of paying back. This is called karma. Haven’t you read about a gentleman named Jacob? He was a “smart” fellow. But life repaid him. Life operates a balance sheet. As you deceive you build up your credit score. Repayment is coming. And when life wants to pay you back for deceit it does so with artistic flair. Life deals with them in a way they could not contemplate. The truth is, the loser is not the girl he deceived. The real loser is the woman he married. She’s joined to a man capable of heinousness. She hardly knows the man she married. And I’m surprised his family went along with this deceit. His mother was part of the whole process. Someone should have called this young lady to tell her what was afoot. Surely someone had a conscience in that family. All those who participated in the value chain of deceit are accessories to the deceit, including his mother. But you know some people treat the child of other people like trash. Their child is of course gold.

What i am writing you today contradicts with "the unconditional love" theory. Contrary to popular belief, no man can love you unconditionally. Not even your parents who loved you first because you are their child. Not even your maker. This is evident in the scripture. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that WHOSOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LILIFE". That itself is a condition. The theory of uncunconditional love is only found in the pages of William Shakespeare's fictional classics. You are not a character in a fiction play. The prospect that a relationship will lead to marriage is a condition itself. A man is very visual. He sees you and you appeal to his eyes. Your  anatomical contextual framework only give credence to cravings of his in a woman. You being a woman itself is a pre-requisite as to why he fell in love with you, and as such a condition. This also apply to same sex partners. The word "unconditional love" is a misnomer. There is a difference between "unconditional love" and "selfless love". No man will love you 'unconditionally' but can love you 'selflessly'. It's up to you to embark on a deep intellectul musing to discover your partner's craving. To know if you both are compatible. How will you know you are compatible, if you don't know what you both are bringing to the table? There must be something in you that has endeared him to you. It is not enough for you to make a list of your expectations in the relationship. What are you bringing to the table as well?


You must know what your man prefers. What qualities he's ready to settle for. You imagine because you are from a wealthy background, he can't walk out. You imagine because you’re pretty he can’t ditch you. But beauty is many times over-rated in a relationship. Many times in a relationship beauty is not enough, likewise sex. And anyway the guy gets used to it. Guys have been known to go for lesser beauty when there’s love and character. Sometimes, for less drama. And no matter how beautiful you are, nature is already manufacturing your replacement. Don’t assume because you’re the champion there’s no alternative to you. That’s a mistake. There’s no alternative to you as long as the guy doesn’t walk. There’s a plethora of alternatives outside your village. Not being in a relationship is itself an alternative.

When a man discovers his cravings in a woman, he’s going to sink his teeth into her. He will treat her like a Queen, pamper her no end. He will feed her emotional needs till she becomes so obessed she can't even run away. It’s why it’s sometimes hard to get a good man back. It's not voodoo or black magic. The woman just have something to offer to fill his psychological void. That's when you'll hear such men say: "we are just compatible." This applies vice-verse.

Not every woman is armed with such serviceable epiphany. What you do with it, is up to you.

Your Pa,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine.
07068639696 (SMS only)

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