Saturday, 9 July 2016

Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 5 (CHAT UP YOUR PARTNER)


Dear Daughter,

This wasn't what we planned for. It was not my doing. We are contractually in the business of plays and Life the producer sold us to its viscititude. Dreams replaced reality, telephone has taken the place of voice and sight replaced the sense of touch. A fortiori I write you every week. Writing is an art. It is an act of painting our thoughts and clothing it with the inks of our mind. It is my way of assuring you that 'out of sight, is not out of mind'. I write for a purpose. That's what communication should be about. Others may argue otherwise but the gist remains it's for a purpose. Imagine a world without communication, ignorance would be bliss. Communication keeps us informed. Gives us better understanding of things and peace of mind as well.

Emotion is a demand and supply equation. It’s why we naturally seek for a partner - someone to share ourselves with. A relationship is a dependency: I depend on you, you depend on me: together we release the power of the binary. It is a falsity to imagine someone without feelings or emotions. That is a very troubled individual. It's why marriage is a binary equation. Two people, two perspectives, double advantage. That’s not saying we shouldn’t control our emotions. We do need emotional control. But contextual control of display of emotion must not be confused with invalidation of the faculty of emotion. We need effective communication to elicit the emotions of our partners. Love recognizes no barriers, it  jumps hurdles , leaps fences and penetrate walls to arrive at its destination full of hope. Relationship is the vehicle in which love is driven, and communication is the fuel that powers it.

Click here to read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 1 (PARENTAL PREFERENCE)

It stupifies me that you two don't know how to communicate. You blame lack of things to write about. That explains why you both have chats on WhatsApp and BBM like "hi", "how are you?", "how was your night?", "have you eaten?." And halting replies like "K", "kk", "Aii" almost on daily basis. This is why i say when you chat, always have something you both look forward to. You can never run out of things to talk about that way. When you stop having some milestone to look forward to together, you’ll be stuck in emotional limbo. One thing that is true about all relationships is that if they’re not growing, then they’re dying. And communication in any relationship is vital. You must both have a converging trajectory on some point on the horizon. Otherwise you will inevitably drift apart. When you chat with him, discuss all subjects- money, babies, careers, beauty, fashion, extended family, etc. Encourage one one another. Debate with him on relevant social issues. Engage him on it, in a deep philosophical nous. Not for the purpose of winning, but to learn something new.

Click here to read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 2 (BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)

Find out how compatible you can be in marriage. That's a different domain altogether from relationship. Don’t be too shy to discuss salient issues like long term goals, short term goals, sex. Yes, sex. It sometimes amazes me that dating couples don’t take time to discuss sexual compatibility yet they discuss children! Marriages have been known to break down from the frustration of sexual incompatibility. You may not agree on everything but at least put issues on the table. That’s how you craft a compromise through communication. If you don’t want surprises and unhappiness in marriage you better start broaching certain subjects now. What are his views about family coming to live with you after marriage for example? What is his philosophy of finance? What are his views on the financial role of a wife, about women earnings? What about his views on conflict resolution when there’s a disagreement? Is the resolution mechanism the extended family? You’ve got to have his views on his beloved mama! Does he believe she has an executive role in your marriage? His sisters? You’ve got to have an idea of his ideas about sex. You’re going to have sexual congress in marriage. Young men have fantasies. You've got to communicate. Chat up your partner! You'll need to educe that understanding of him. Because In marriage, patience, understanding and tolerance are key qualities one should look out for before love. They will endure where love won't.

Lack of plain communication breeds assumptions. When you’re apart from one another or have limited exposure to a person or event, you start to make all sorts of assumptions or judgments that are usually exaggerated or untrue. Sometimes, coming from the offshoot of ignorance. Do not turn your feelings to status and tweets. Learn to communicate so you won't conclude on your partner based on assumptions.

Click here to read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 3 (WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE? )

When I say discuss everything… I mean everything. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Certain discussions are too late after the marriage ceremony. Some things should be said before saying “I do”.

I discovered that most heartbreaks and broken-homes are avoidable if simple communication had been utilized.

Your Daddy,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine
07068639696 (SMS only)

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