Saturday, 30 July 2016



Dear Child,

Thank you for passing "VIRGIN MARY 1" to Mary, I owe her the second part of that letter which I will send later. But for today, I am Oliver Twist. Help me pass this one to Austin.

My Dear Austin, you know I’ve always expressed my doubts about your money-denominated relationship. You have a girlfriend who treats you like an ATM machine. You’re dating an exploiter. You’re ATM, Austin. All your girlfriend does is demand and collect money from you. You have a demand and supply relationship. She's happy when you give. When you can’t give she becomes unhappy with you, even gets angry.

It may be in your interest to conduct research into the economic state of her last boyfriend. If he couldn’t keep her with all the money he spent, what makes you think you can? I have a feeling she moved on when his money ran out! You have spent all you have on her and she’s still complaining. Your so called “girlfriend” is a leech, sucking you dry. That is the blunt truth. You know I’ll always say it as it is. Truth does not participate in popularity contests. A leech is a blood sucking worm with two suckers at each end. That’s why Solomon wrote: “A leech has twin daughters named Gimme and Gimme more.” You know when I read your letter I actually cross-checked your name. I expected your surname to be Dangote, or Gates, or Zuckerberg, or Buffett. Maybe Ronaldo, as in Cristiano Ronaldo! I was quite disappointed you don’t have a billion dollars surname. Was quite surprised actually considering your endeavour! I don’t know how you’re going to sustain the “relationship”.

Money matters in a relationship. Especially if the two of you intend to progress your relationship to marriage. Then money matters even more! (Just being honest and laying it straight). Lack of money puts enormous strain on a relationship. Yet, it doesn't pass for money to be the sole fundamental on which your relationship is built. What happens when there is no more money to give?! Considering the fact that she doesn't chip in to help; she doesn't contribute. She tells you she received better treatment in her former relationship. She had a better deal! The question then is, why doesn’t she just go back to that relationship? You are a student Austin! Where does she expect you to get money from? You don't have money!

Aren’t you training yourself to go to jail? This is taking its toll on your parents.  Your father was recently retrenched from work. Your mother is constrained to add one more venture in her petty business to assist the home. She roasts boli now by the road side. Since your Father is out of work, someone needs to take up the responsibilities. Your school fees must be paid no matter the economic hardship. This has led to making of some adjustments. Three of your siblings dropped out of school to vend so your parents could raise enough money to afford you each month. Worst is this partial blindness affecting your mother now, she has become amaurotic. The smoke from roasting boli has taken its toll on her. Everything concerning your school increased drastically since you met this girl, but you blamed it on the nation's dwindling economy which is not true. It increased because of your girlfriend's demands. Your scale of preference and economic budget has 'Girlfriend's Allowance'. The price for school fees and textbook is now x2. This of course comes with its attendant problems. Most of the time, it is your family who bears the brunt for those costs. They sometimes do 001 (eat ones daily). They are investing heavily in you so you can be of help to them tomorrow. Be a dependable crutch to your parents in their old age and your siblings. Should that not be reason enough not to be in a relationship with this girl?! You may end up being a disappointment to them, or a chronic debtor. Or a disappointment-cum-debtor. How fast you progress financially as a man depends on the type of woman by your side. A good woman is an INVESTMENT, a bad woman is a BILL.

I do hope she’s giving you 24 carat love and affection. Her brand of love must be so rare considering how expensive it is! Are you even sure you’re the only boyfriend? How will you possibly satisfy this woman’s lusts? Can’t you see she thinks she’s smart? That she sees you like an m-u-m-u? You have even engaged yourself in a part time job in school. You combine school and work now. You toil for 30 days and at the end, your sweat and labour she comes to collect. Are you the President of Labour Party? You’ll survive on Garium Sulphate (GaSO4) – a granulated cassava staple popularly known as garri. And you think you’re being a man! That is a false definition of masculinity you’ve taken on. For the love of your family, consider their impecuniousity and stop this madness!

Aren’t you foolish to date such a woman?! You can’t afford her on every level. Stop being foolish. She has no interest in you whatsoever. You are just cashflow. And you’re deluded if you think you can keep her. Ask her last man.

Your relationship is transactional. Will only subsist for as long as her cashflow projections hold up. Your girlfriend has expensive taste. Use your tongue to count your teeth. Cut your losses. A relationship shouldn't kill your life, shouldn't stultify your growth. Redeem your gullibility. She’s running an emotional Ponzi scheme. You better leave her – while you can still afford a transport fare.

Your Mentor,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine

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