LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 8 (DATING A LEECH)

DATING A LEECH

Dear Child,

Thank you for passing "VIRGIN MARY 1" to Mary, I owe her the second part of that letter which I will send later. But for today, I am Oliver Twist. Help me pass this one to Austin.

My Dear Austin, you know I’ve always expressed my doubts about your money-denominated relationship. You have a girlfriend who treats you like an ATM machine. You’re dating an exploiter. You’re ATM, Austin. All your girlfriend does is demand and collect money from you. You have a demand and supply relationship. She's happy when you give. When you can’t give she becomes unhappy with you, even gets angry.

It may be in your interest to conduct research into the economic state of her last boyfriend. If he couldn’t keep her with all the money he spent, what makes you think you can? I have a feeling she moved on when his money ran out! You have spent all you have on her and she’s still complaining. Your so called “girlfriend” is a leech, sucking you dry. That is the blunt truth. You know I’ll always say it as it is. Truth does not participate in popularity contests. A leech is a blood sucking worm with two suckers at each end. That’s why Solomon wrote: “A leech has twin daughters named Gimme and Gimme more.” You know when I read your letter I actually cross-checked your name. I expected your surname to be Dangote, or Gates, or Zuckerberg, or Buffett. Maybe Ronaldo, as in Cristiano Ronaldo! I was quite disappointed you don’t have a billion dollars surname. Was quite surprised actually considering your endeavour! I don’t know how you’re going to sustain the “relationship”.

Money matters in a relationship. Especially if the two of you intend to progress your relationship to marriage. Then money matters even more! (Just being honest and laying it straight). Lack of money puts enormous strain on a relationship. Yet, it doesn't pass for money to be the sole fundamental on which your relationship is built. What happens when there is no more money to give?! Considering the fact that she doesn't chip in to help; she doesn't contribute. She tells you she received better treatment in her former relationship. She had a better deal! The question then is, why doesn’t she just go back to that relationship? You are a student Austin! Where does she expect you to get money from? You don't have money!

Aren’t you training yourself to go to jail? This is taking its toll on your parents.  Your father was recently retrenched from work. Your mother is constrained to add one more venture in her petty business to assist the home. She roasts boli now by the road side. Since your Father is out of work, someone needs to take up the responsibilities. Your school fees must be paid no matter the economic hardship. This has led to making of some adjustments. Three of your siblings dropped out of school to vend so your parents could raise enough money to afford you each month. Worst is this partial blindness affecting your mother now, she has become amaurotic. The smoke from roasting boli has taken its toll on her. Everything concerning your school increased drastically since you met this girl, but you blamed it on the nation's dwindling economy which is not true. It increased because of your girlfriend's demands. Your scale of preference and economic budget has 'Girlfriend's Allowance'. The price for school fees and textbook is now x2. This of course comes with its attendant problems. Most of the time, it is your family who bears the brunt for those costs. They sometimes do 001 (eat ones daily). They are investing heavily in you so you can be of help to them tomorrow. Be a dependable crutch to your parents in their old age and your siblings. Should that not be reason enough not to be in a relationship with this girl?! You may end up being a disappointment to them, or a chronic debtor. Or a disappointment-cum-debtor. How fast you progress financially as a man depends on the type of woman by your side. A good woman is an INVESTMENT, a bad woman is a BILL.

I do hope she’s giving you 24 carat love and affection. Her brand of love must be so rare considering how expensive it is! Are you even sure you’re the only boyfriend? How will you possibly satisfy this woman’s lusts? Can’t you see she thinks she’s smart? That she sees you like an m-u-m-u? You have even engaged yourself in a part time job in school. You combine school and work now. You toil for 30 days and at the end, your sweat and labour she comes to collect. Are you the President of Labour Party? You’ll survive on Garium Sulphate (GaSO4) – a granulated cassava staple popularly known as garri. And you think you’re being a man! That is a false definition of masculinity you’ve taken on. For the love of your family, consider their impecuniousity and stop this madness!

Aren’t you foolish to date such a woman?! You can’t afford her on every level. Stop being foolish. She has no interest in you whatsoever. You are just cashflow. And you’re deluded if you think you can keep her. Ask her last man.

Your relationship is transactional. Will only subsist for as long as her cashflow projections hold up. Your girlfriend has expensive taste. Use your tongue to count your teeth. Cut your losses. A relationship shouldn't kill your life, shouldn't stultify your growth. Redeem your gullibility. She’s running an emotional Ponzi scheme. You better leave her – while you can still afford a transport fare.

Your Mentor,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine
07068639696
Ebisko19@gmail.com

Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 7 (REBELLION)

Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 7

REBELLION

My Daughter,

You don't get it do you? Abuse comes in different forms. A child can be brought up well clothed and fed with all his necessaries supplied except for the all- important need for love and approval. No physical harm is ever done to him, yet, as each year goes by, his spirit shrivels up inside him more and more, as a plant will shrivel without sunlight, desperate for the smallest demonstration of affection. Eventually, he grows to adulthood; everything seems to be normal, yet he is crippled inside by the indifference of his parents.

Children are a wonderful breed. They remember a lot more than we give them credit. You were a child once. Think back to your childhood. There are things you remember no one knows you do. The same applies to your child. There are things she’ll remember about you, you can’t imagine. With the way things are going, you may create a lasting egregious image of yourself in her vernal subconscious. I know you are trying to tug the best in this child. But are you such a nitpicker you can't even see? The more you try to exert your views on her, the more you lose her to the cozy hands of depression, jealousy and hate. Children sometimes incubate this feeling and project it on their partners in matrimony. Some of the most hardened women are people who refuse to forgive their parents. Sometimes, it is not what we say to our children but how we say it. Have you forgotten you also went through this phase in your life? Of course, it is the rebellion years – usually the teen years, though not every child goes through this.

Click here To Read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 4 (VIRGIN MARY)

Learn to appreciate her individualism. Her abilities may not be good enough, but it is what she has. When you constantly tell her how useless she is, she'll believe you. Every young child believes what their parents say about them. She may grow up, never suffering from physical abuse at your hands but nevertheless crippled in the spirit. You need to stop putting her down by constantly comparing her unfavourably with others. You are emotionally abusing this girl without knowing. She soon begins to push back in symbolisms of rebellion, which further affect your relationship with her. That's why on your recent appointment, she didn't felicitate with you. On your anniverary day, she did not congratulate you. It’s important to have an honest relationship with your child. Sometimes that’s all children want. When she knows of your struggles to give her a good education, she’ll appreciate the education more. And it will give her the impetus to succeed, to justify your investment. And show appreciation. She’ll want to succeed in life, if only to take care of you. You’ll be surprised how deep these things run. Please, understand she has her on script to act in life. Try and understand she is not in competition with anybody. She too has limitations. When you do, she'll blossom effortlessly in her métier. Just let her walk at her own pace.

Remember you were once sophomoric? Did you forget you once walked in her shoes? You threw caution to the wind too, fell in love not minding the consequences. You've forgotten you were once like her. Except when you want to remind her that you know better. Have you forgotten that at 18 you still couldn't make what you wanted to do with your own life? And when you were 25 it was patience and timing. How come those principles doesn't apply to her? You didn't pan out exactly how I envisaged, but look at you. You've done well for yourself. She looks up to you as her teacher and her leader. Yet, the one person who was supposed to be her biggest fan is never in the gallery.

Children are heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb are his rewards. She is bound to honour you as her parent. She owes you that moral obligation. But what happens when we stretch the elasticity of that commandment? We unconsciously lead them to develop secret resentments. Do not provoke her into anger. It's provocarmtive when you compare her with your other children and another's child. Haven't you heard the story of Isaac and Rebekah? They both have their preference when it comes to their kids. Isaac and Rebekah did many things right in their parenting, but one incredibly wrong thing they did was to be divided on their loyalties to their children. Isaac loved Esau more than Jacob. Rebekah loved Jacob more than Esau. Though not recorded, it can be imputed that at one point in time, there must have been unfavorable comparison. This caused competition in the lives of the two boys to the point that Jacob fled in fear of his life when he convinced his brother to surrender his birthright (or right of inheritance). Though biblical injuctions has it that it was ordained by God. Taking a pragmatic approach, Esau could have been the object of envy and hatred from his sibling. Esau just to annoy his parents got married to a Hittite.

I once remember a man who wanted his son to be like his friend's son back in College. Before graduation, he wanted his son to avoid his friend's son so bad, like a plague. Living in such a morally depraved world, we never can tell what the other person is up to. There's more than what meets the eye.

Click here to read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 3 (WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE)

It hurts to be compared, yes. But you expect your child to turn the pain from it into constructive energy. I cannot blame you for wanting the best for her. So, inspite of the negative feelings it may brew in her at first, I know it is for her own good. Even as I grow older, I do compare myself to others to motivate me. Imagine life without motivation. Perhaps you just overdo yours, and perhaps, she overeacts to it. It would be great if we were given the full, unabridged instruction manual for parenting when our children are born. But regrettably, kids don’t come with instruction manuals. We must endlessly strive to be good parents to our kids, irrespectively of our own upbringing.

Till I write you again next week. I remain:

Your Daddy,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine,
07068639696
Ebisko19@gmail.com

Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 5 (CHAT UP YOUR PARTNER)

CHAT UP YOUR PARTNER

Dear Daughter,

This wasn't what we planned for. It was not my doing. We are contractually in the business of plays and Life the producer sold us to its viscititude. Dreams replaced reality, telephone has taken the place of voice and sight replaced the sense of touch. A fortiori I write you every week. Writing is an art. It is an act of painting our thoughts and clothing it with the inks of our mind. It is my way of assuring you that 'out of sight, is not out of mind'. I write for a purpose. That's what communication should be about. Others may argue otherwise but the gist remains it's for a purpose. Imagine a world without communication, ignorance would be bliss. Communication keeps us informed. Gives us better understanding of things and peace of mind as well.

Emotion is a demand and supply equation. It’s why we naturally seek for a partner - someone to share ourselves with. A relationship is a dependency: I depend on you, you depend on me: together we release the power of the binary. It is a falsity to imagine someone without feelings or emotions. That is a very troubled individual. It's why marriage is a binary equation. Two people, two perspectives, double advantage. That’s not saying we shouldn’t control our emotions. We do need emotional control. But contextual control of display of emotion must not be confused with invalidation of the faculty of emotion. We need effective communication to elicit the emotions of our partners. Love recognizes no barriers, it  jumps hurdles , leaps fences and penetrate walls to arrive at its destination full of hope. Relationship is the vehicle in which love is driven, and communication is the fuel that powers it.

Click here to read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 1 (PARENTAL PREFERENCE)

It stupifies me that you two don't know how to communicate. You blame lack of things to write about. That explains why you both have chats on WhatsApp and BBM like "hi", "how are you?", "how was your night?", "have you eaten?." And halting replies like "K", "kk", "Aii" almost on daily basis. This is why i say when you chat, always have something you both look forward to. You can never run out of things to talk about that way. When you stop having some milestone to look forward to together, you’ll be stuck in emotional limbo. One thing that is true about all relationships is that if they’re not growing, then they’re dying. And communication in any relationship is vital. You must both have a converging trajectory on some point on the horizon. Otherwise you will inevitably drift apart. When you chat with him, discuss all subjects- money, babies, careers, beauty, fashion, extended family, etc. Encourage one one another. Debate with him on relevant social issues. Engage him on it, in a deep philosophical nous. Not for the purpose of winning, but to learn something new.

Click here to read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 2 (BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)

Find out how compatible you can be in marriage. That's a different domain altogether from relationship. Don’t be too shy to discuss salient issues like long term goals, short term goals, sex. Yes, sex. It sometimes amazes me that dating couples don’t take time to discuss sexual compatibility yet they discuss children! Marriages have been known to break down from the frustration of sexual incompatibility. You may not agree on everything but at least put issues on the table. That’s how you craft a compromise through communication. If you don’t want surprises and unhappiness in marriage you better start broaching certain subjects now. What are his views about family coming to live with you after marriage for example? What is his philosophy of finance? What are his views on the financial role of a wife, about women earnings? What about his views on conflict resolution when there’s a disagreement? Is the resolution mechanism the extended family? You’ve got to have his views on his beloved mama! Does he believe she has an executive role in your marriage? His sisters? You’ve got to have an idea of his ideas about sex. You’re going to have sexual congress in marriage. Young men have fantasies. You've got to communicate. Chat up your partner! You'll need to educe that understanding of him. Because In marriage, patience, understanding and tolerance are key qualities one should look out for before love. They will endure where love won't.

Lack of plain communication breeds assumptions. When you’re apart from one another or have limited exposure to a person or event, you start to make all sorts of assumptions or judgments that are usually exaggerated or untrue. Sometimes, coming from the offshoot of ignorance. Do not turn your feelings to status and tweets. Learn to communicate so you won't conclude on your partner based on assumptions.

Click here to read Letter To My Future Daughter PT. 3 (WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE? )

When I say discuss everything… I mean everything. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Certain discussions are too late after the marriage ceremony. Some things should be said before saying “I do”.

I discovered that most heartbreaks and broken-homes are avoidable if simple communication had been utilized.

Your Daddy,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine
07068639696 (SMS only)
Ebisko19@gmail.com

LETTER To My Future Daughter PT. 4 (VIRGIN MARY)

VIRGIN MARY 1

Dear Daughter,

Please help pass this on to Mary, your sister. She wrote me last week asking for advice. She probably read Letter to My Future Daughter PT. 3 ( WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE?)

My dear Mary, I admire your moral stance on this issue. I do admire your desire to maintain your "no premarital sex" stance.  My worry though is the scheming, the correspondence you are looking for and the latent effect of your somber sexual life in marriage. Plus,  I think you are confusing virginity for purity.

Now, it is deceptive for you to think that a man who loves you will not want to touch you. That is a dubietable belief. Men do not have to fall in love with you not to be sexually attracted to you. A man who loves you and is passionately so, will want to have sex with you. Infact, the deeper and passionate his love is, the more desirous he is to consummate the love with sex.  Your case is one of those relationships that "just happened”. You know, those relationships you can’t really explain the genesis of. You know how the relationship started but you don’t know why it started – exactly what prompted what.

Fact is, in every relationship we’re all coming from somewhere. Some are coming from a dream space, and so they approach a relationship romantically. While some are moving out with the jinx of a relationship that saw a displeasing end.  Some  are coming from pain, from a bad experience, some just come with a particular mindset and so they treat their counterparty with suspicion. Anything that REMOTELY SUGGESTS something in their bad experience is viciously hacked down. Decrees are soon issued and introduced, emotional boundaries unilaterally dictated and determined.

Your partner has been pushed to become mechanical in the relationship, bereft of all the naturalness that prompted his emotional involvement with you in the first place. You pushed him to have to prove he has no ulterior motive, he’s not a bad person– and he can’t understand that. Neither can I. Why such accusations? Why make your virginity a subject of discussion whenever you sit with him? you are parsimoniously basing this relationship on your virginity. And he can’t test your virginity unless he sleeps with you, in which case you'll no longer be and you won’t marry, being a virgin. The truth is, all he has is your word. It’s what you say you are that you are at this stage of your relationship. He can’t even verify your word without compromising your faith. Now, here’s the irony of your quest for marrying, being a virgin: He's not a virgin himself. At some point before he met you, he engaged in sexual congresses. In other words, he has a past. In the same vein, you also have a past. You've been in previous relationships you had to walk away from. Your man loves you dearly, he showed it by spending heavily on you. You never failed to call on him when you are in one financial crisis or the other. You just couldn't give him sex. You made a lot of foreplays with him. You cuddled, fondled, kissed, but when he wants to feel himself inside you, "no sex before marriage remember" You unalterably reminded him.

Click here to Read Letter to My Future Daughter PT. 2 (BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)

You made him feel he was dating you just to have sex with you. He could not understand why his innocent words were treated with so much suspicion, and interpreted in unsavoury light. He could not understand why you were issuing commands, and the texts were getting stentorian in tone. You  perfected the act of emotional fraud. Yes, it was fraud to have your boyfriend act like a husband when you were not married. How did you get him to perform those duties of a husband when you were not married?  You are the perfect schemer. You managed to scheme with this same modus operandi in your previous relationships. And now. You are about to scheme your way out of this one. You are keeping your virginity till marriage, for your future husband. Why don't you allow him keep his money till marriage for his future wife. When he begins to sense the fraud, you'll move your technical virginity to another unsuspecting Mr.

You  essentially took the relationship, removed some stuff, realigned some, and began to manipulate the relationship. You repainted the new structure you created, and presented it to the guy as what he wants! The guy was just meant to accept it, which he invariably did but with a hidden caveat. He began to draw back on the inside, no longer trusting you– didn’t even know how to relate with you again. Meanwhile you thought you were protecting yourself, not knowing you were accusing him. You thought you were defining boundaries not knowing you were confusing him. And because you were not the recipient of those accusations, you couldn’t feel the pain of the other party. You didn’t realize that in all that manipulation you wrecked something vital in the relationship – sincerity.

You are using the wrong parameters to look for a life partner. You must learn to use appropriate yardstick to judge and determine issues. You don’t use a ruler for example to measure the purity of water. That’s an inappropriate instrument though a measurement. Neither do you use a windguage to measure the pressure of a tyre. It’s a wrong pressure gauge. In the same manner, you can’t use  lack of erection near you as parameter to determine the suitability of a conjugal prospect. You even need to be sure he is not suffering from erectile dysfunction. In fact, ask him to go for a test. If you base your marriage decision on such, you’re clearly using a wrong means of measurement. Celibacy alone for example cannot help you determine if he’s clean or a relative of Unhygienic of Asterix fame. That’s how people arrive at wrong marital decisions. They use wrong parameters. And such a mistake can prove very costly to a woman in particular.

Click here to Read Letter to My Future Daughter PT. 1 (PARENTAL PREFERENCE)

You have unconsciously reduced your self worth to your hymen. Are you saying if your hymen is broken, you would have sex at random? Is the randy you hiding behind your virginity? Are you saying you are pure because your hymen is not broken? Do you value yourself more than non-virgins? If you pair off your commonised assets, one by one, all the basic stuff you have in common with other women, generic stuff, at some point you’ll get to your core – the very you – a “something” that is so you. It is a combination of factors all fused together. No one can have that core except you. It’s your combination. It’s what makes you remain attractive in a relationship. It’s beyond just the physical. The physical soon loses appeal after some time in a relationship. It gives room for some other lasting things. Your soul, your heart, your mind, these are where a woman's true essence is. Not in her virginity. And these are the things you should make him fall in love with. You are basing this relationship on your virginity, which you normally, shouldn't. You are taking his love and sympathy for granted. Remember he never had a 'virgin' as a condition precedent when you started dating. When you finally leave this guy, your next may not be so considerate. He may end up living your fears. You may fall for the pressure finally with the wrong guy. The type that makes girls conclude "all guys are thesame".

You wanted to be in control of the relationship, to control the dynamics, dictate the terms. An attempt was even made to change the narrative from a relationship that just happened, to one in which the guy chased you. You altered the balance of affection in the relationship to accumulate power, but then the other party begins to wonder. You end up presenting an unflattering picture of yourself, which made the guy sigh. Several times. By your actions, accusations and suspicions you have made him afraid of getting close to you. And you’re hurting yourself.

As it is now you’ve portrayed to the gentleman you’re doing him a favour, that you really don’t need him or the relationship. Which is not true. He floods your thoughts every second of everyday. And you do not know how to swim. You actually need the relationship, and you need him. By becoming manipulative in the relationship you killed something innocent and natural. And you’ve compounded it all by your inability to say I’m sorry, I did wrong, I couldn’t help myself!

I’ll touch on the other side of the coin when next I write you on this topic.

Your Father
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine
07068639696
Ebisko19@gmail.com

Letter to my Future Daughter PT. 3 (WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE)

WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE?

Dear Future Daughter,

How many times do I have to tell you? Please, pay attention when a man is telling you what he prefers. Pay particular attention to those things that cause him bliss. Things that frees him from mental stress. then will you know what you are to bring to the table in a relationship. You don't want to go through this again, this is the second time in three years you've asked me this question. Your last intrigue was incinerating. Not paying attention will lead to an albatross of its own. Your partner begins to feel lonely in the relationship. He can't converse with you. He attempted to, but it came to a precipitous end. He felt like he was having an introspection anyway. Its strange because he can be with you and still feel lonely. Loneliness is a fact of life. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can even be the life of the party and feel terribly lonely. The reason is because loneliness is a soulish phenomenon, it’s not physical. And there is no “cure” for loneliness. It’s not a disease. It’s a conceptual aftermath of Adam’s creation – a byproduct. As a feature, it makes us want to mate and marry, and create family, relationship and community. A marriage partner must be able to make us feel unlonely. Isn't that the reason why marriage is seen as companionship?


Men have vagaries of preference. As their faces differs, so does their needs. Men needs in relationship range from food, sex, philosophical musings, careers, partnership, religious views or inclinations, et al. Your partner is not existing on a different planet. He too have needs and preference. You can understand his needs by understanding his intellectual depth. It will always take a man with deep philosophical musings and understanding to be speculative about what you are offering. You are not reckful enough. His needs are hidden under his expressions and form of satisfaction. There is this psychological void you are yet to fill or explore. Such is necessary for the maintenance of the homeostasis of a movement away from balance. With your brain, beauty and accomplishment, you can be the best package for a man. Beauty alone may not stand the viability test for all men. And your accomplishments sometimes may have a reverse effect.

Click here to read LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 1 (PARENTAL PREFERENCE)

I am telling you this things so you will not be a victim of grand deceit. Yes, grand deceit is now prevalent in relationships. By grand deceit I mean dating a girl and giving her the impression you will marry her, but planning another wedding. In one or two cases there was even a family introduction, but no plan whatsoever to marry the girl. Just deceit. The guys in question planned two weddings simultaneously without any intention of showing up at one. Just as your friend's partner knew he won’t marry her, yet he kept her, all the while planning wedding to another. The girl never knew he had another girlfriend, and he kept sleeping with her, giving her false hopes and making demands. That is the sad tale when you do not know what you are worth in any relationship. The man drew up his scale of preference according to his values which is different from his needs. He has drawn up his values which is regarded as what is most important to him. Unfortunately for your friend, she did not make the list. she was still not able to fill that psychological void after six years. There were the abortions, the cooking, sacrifices, emotional support, care during this six years, she was even working hard and financially dependent… She gave her life to him. And to think the deceit went on for a whole year. That’s unconscionable, cruel and dastardly. The timing shows he started dating this young woman about the time he started planning his wedding to your friend. The young lady found out he was getting married a day to the wedding. And it was accidental discovery. Someone assumed she was the one getting married. She came to remonstrate her for excluding her from the planning. You can imagine the devastation brought on this young lady by the news… The shock! She fell sick. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Did you just murmur? The man should be able to shift grounds at least, adjust his position right? That is just the world you live in. It shows you the nefarious nature of men. I mean how can a woman do all that for him and he still feels she is not bringing anything to the table? Men are at an advantage when it comes to relationships. Maybe in other climes things would be different. But "this is Africa"

I’m very worried about a young man capable of doing that to another human. It takes a lot. If I were you I’ll be careful around such a friend. He’s capable of anything. Anything can happen if you do that to a lady– actively and aggressively deceiving her about marrying her. He aggressively built false hopes in this young woman– that he’ll marry her. That’s wicked. This young man doesn’t understand anything about life. Deceit is self-obligatory. HIS day is coming! Either he will be made to pay here by man or life will pay him back. Haven't you heard of the case of Use v Iketubosen (1975) WRNLR 187? The defendant was in breach of contract to marry by conduct. Damages can be awarded against such men in a court of Law. Nature itself also have a way of paying back. This is called karma. Haven’t you read about a gentleman named Jacob? He was a “smart” fellow. But life repaid him. Life operates a balance sheet. As you deceive you build up your credit score. Repayment is coming. And when life wants to pay you back for deceit it does so with artistic flair. Life deals with them in a way they could not contemplate. The truth is, the loser is not the girl he deceived. The real loser is the woman he married. She’s joined to a man capable of heinousness. She hardly knows the man she married. And I’m surprised his family went along with this deceit. His mother was part of the whole process. Someone should have called this young lady to tell her what was afoot. Surely someone had a conscience in that family. All those who participated in the value chain of deceit are accessories to the deceit, including his mother. But you know some people treat the child of other people like trash. Their child is of course gold.


What i am writing you today contradicts with "the unconditional love" theory. Contrary to popular belief, no man can love you unconditionally. Not even your parents who loved you first because you are their child. Not even your maker. This is evident in the scripture. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that WHOSOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LILIFE". That itself is a condition. The theory of uncunconditional love is only found in the pages of William Shakespeare's fictional classics. You are not a character in a fiction play. The prospect that a relationship will lead to marriage is a condition itself. A man is very visual. He sees you and you appeal to his eyes. Your  anatomical contextual framework only give credence to cravings of his in a woman. You being a woman itself is a pre-requisite as to why he fell in love with you, and as such a condition. This also apply to same sex partners. The word "unconditional love" is a misnomer. There is a difference between "unconditional love" and "selfless love". No man will love you 'unconditionally' but can love you 'selflessly'. It's up to you to embark on a deep intellectul musing to discover your partner's craving. To know if you both are compatible. How will you know you are compatible, if you don't know what you both are bringing to the table? There must be something in you that has endeared him to you. It is not enough for you to make a list of your expectations in the relationship. What are you bringing to the table as well?

Click here to read LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 2 (BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)

You must know what your man prefers. What qualities he's ready to settle for. You imagine because you are from a wealthy background, he can't walk out. You imagine because you’re pretty he can’t ditch you. But beauty is many times over-rated in a relationship. Many times in a relationship beauty is not enough, likewise sex. And anyway the guy gets used to it. Guys have been known to go for lesser beauty when there’s love and character. Sometimes, for less drama. And no matter how beautiful you are, nature is already manufacturing your replacement. Don’t assume because you’re the champion there’s no alternative to you. That’s a mistake. There’s no alternative to you as long as the guy doesn’t walk. There’s a plethora of alternatives outside your village. Not being in a relationship is itself an alternative.


When a man discovers his cravings in a woman, he’s going to sink his teeth into her. He will treat her like a Queen, pamper her no end. He will feed her emotional needs till she becomes so obessed she can't even run away. It’s why it’s sometimes hard to get a good man back. It's not voodoo or black magic. The woman just have something to offer to fill his psychological void. That's when you'll hear such men say: "we are just compatible." This applies vice-verse.

Not every woman is armed with such serviceable epiphany. What you do with it, is up to you.


Your Pa,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine.
07068639696 (SMS only)
Ebisko19@gmail.com

LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 2

BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Dear Future Daughter,

How is her health now, hope she is responding to treatment? Who could have done such a thing to a fellow human being. All in the name of being in a relationship. Indeed, this is man inhumanity to man. Those photos of her were gory as they were obscene. I lost my appetite for days after seeing them. The notion of abusive relationship contradicts love itself. How can love cause so much FEAR?

There are some problems that people bear for life, some sort of burden. Marrying an abusive man is one of them. You'll endure the marriage. Marriage is not suppose to be endured, it ought to be enjoyed. He flares up at every slight provocation, he has anger management issues. He suffers from aggressive behavior. Anger management is the ability to understand signs that you are getting angry. He needs to calm down and deal with the situation in a positive way. An abusive partner is not one who only engage in physical battery of the other, it also includes using abusive words on your partner. It includes damaging personal properties. He flares up sporadically. He shouts at you, threatens you, being excessively possessive of you. He puts you down by constantly comparing you unfavourably with others. He physically and sexually violates you. He isolates you from family and friends, mostly with unruly behavior. This can subject you to perpetual physical and emotional harm. You begin argy-bargying with yourself, You start to think that the abusive behaviour of your partner is your fault. You feel there is something you are not doing right, maybe, just maybe. It is a common feeling, but it is important to know that you're never to blame for another person's behaviour.

Today, he whips you with belt, tomorrow when you finally tie the nuptial knot with him, he may use a knife. A good relationship begins with a good choice of partner. So does a good marriage. If you don't feel someone is the right person for you, better not date that person. Marriage is a critical decision. Your marriage partner must not be a reckless choice. If you can't accept the man or woman in front of you, don't go into marriage. Deal with facts. You should always deal with facts in your relationship, not wishful thinking. Do not go into marriage with someone you will live with in fear. Do not go into marriage hoping he'll change, you are not a gambler, and even if you were, do not gamble in marriage. Especially when the peace you enjoy during courtship is deciduous. An abusive relationship is like a vehicle with flat tyres, it gets you no where. Except frequent visits to the hospital for regular stitches of course. Eventually, it will crash. You either give up on the marriage or you give up the ghost. Better to have a broken engagement than to have a broken marriage.

Click here to read LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 1 (PARENTAL PREFERENCE)

Partner choice determines outcomes, flavours and progressions. Just think of the bonding of various chemicals. Some are toxic, some obnoxious, some volatile, some wonderful. If he’s not right for you or you’re not right for each other, the relationship has taken on issues before commencement. A bad partnership combination filled with hope is an anger fuelling bitter memory in the making. And that’s how the strange philosophy of “the reality of marriage” comes to being.

That philosophy propounds that the dream of happiness and romantic bliss in marriage is a fantasy of the unrealistic. That the “reality of marriage” is in actuality full of misery, difficulties, fights and unhappiness. Those who propound this theory are often those seeking accommodation with the consequences of wrong-headed choices. The “reality of marriage” philosophy comes from bad experience, frustrated dreams, difficult hope, sadness. We’ve come to accept this philosophy by default. It’s why some say it doesn’t matter who you marry, just marry! Such philosophy is obtuse. It does matter who you get married to. If your boyfriend is a serial cheat for example, you can’t complain of unfaithfulness in marriage if you go ahead with it (volentis non fit injuria). The signs were there, but you chose to ignore the facts. He already showed you he wasn’t going to be faithful. What usually happens is that some people take on the mantle of messiah, seeking to “save” their partners. And they seek to prove their goodness by insisting on pursuing marriage to someone who’ll bring them sorrow. These are insistent do-gooders who want the praise of the world for marrying the wrong man. There’s some psychological reward they get for insisting on going into marriage with someone with questionable tendencies. Having been rewarded for bad behavior, the man of course continues with those morals and they begin to suffer. Having forgiven so much, they then get annoyed at discovery of one more instance of cheating after marriage. They become frustrated, terribly frustrated. Their character changes. They’re angry. The reason they’re angry is because they feel they should be rewarded with fidelity for enduring so much. They feel the man should reward them for overlooking the past and ignoring the facts of infidelity during courtship. That kind of marriage is essentially over. The condition precedent needed to make it successful is out of the woman’s control. The marriage can only work if the man reforms, and the woman can’t control that factor. It’s up to the man.

When the success of a marriage is dependent on reformation of a partner’s character that’s a difficult one. Why marry a thief hoping for reformation of character? What if he refuses to reform? What becomes of the marriage?

Click here to read LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 1 (PARENTAL PREFERENCE)

Being in an abusive relationship is not thesame as partners having quarrels once in a while in their relationship. But both know the quarrel has nothing to do with their commitment to each other. That commitment is non negotiable because they truly and genuinely love each other. That non negotiable commitment is a “fundamental irreducible.” Nothing can touch it. Their union is off limits, even to themselves. They know they’ll always get back together after a quarrel, because they want each other, need and can’t do without each other. Their relationship is not to be negotiated. That is a resolution. Unfortunately, it is not the same thing in this case. Your friend's partner has probably beaten that commitment out of her. She no longer have friends, people who can really understand what she is going through. Excceot of course, her psychiatrist, her pharmacist and her therapist. She needs someone she can really admit the reality of what she's going through to. But what is her family members doing about this? For a man who has not perfected the marriage rites yet to be treating her this way. Forgive me, this is not abuse but battery.

Your desperation for love, affection and partnership should not be an invitation to your selpucher. Even if he hides such tendencies from you during courtship, in marriage, it will always elicit. Your own safety must come first. Do not buy into this "for better for worse" mantra. Yes, how about the "to love and protect till death do us part" vows? You must stay safe, not for your sake only, but for your children as well. No religion should justify subjecting an individual to such obnoxious treatment. Of what good will it do your children if he beats you to death? Death by hanging for him will not recoup your life that has been lost. And those children you are considering now will become orphans eventually. No one will rescue you, you need to rescue yourself.

If you don't want to be a newspaper headline, run before he kills you.

Love,
Your Daddy,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine.
07068639696 (SMS only)

LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 1

PARENTAL PREFERENCE

Dear Future Daughter,

Hush now, I received your mail, I was glad I finally got to hear from you. You asked some salient questions begging for answers, your heart is troubled and you really wished you had someone real you could confide in, you need help, serious help, not medical or spiritual help. I fear for your migraine if this letter fails to tug you from the intellectual nous you've embarked on. You already have the help you are looking for, but you chose to look at the person rendering the help than the help itself. Your own bias is not helping, it is prejudicial to your reasoning. In conjunction with your  emotions, it has blinded you. I hope you get to read this, before you do something stupid. Be careful with the people you seek advice from, there are people who you shouldn't listen to, people whose opinion you shouldn't evaluate. You do yourself more harm by relying on their counsel. Learn to deal with private matters privately. It's normal for people not to like you, there will always be people who are envious of you or just can't stand you, you will be shooting yourself in the foot taking advice from such persons. Apply wisdom in whatever you do, do not always act in the spur of the moment. You risk breaking your mind. You have to learn to cope with life.

Click here to read LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 2 (BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)

There are some decisions that should be made expediently, marriage is not one of them. Sometimes love begins a marriage, but it needs more than that to sustain it. Marriage is no child's play, there are factors that needs be considered before one say "I do". Marriage does not just end at who one gets married to, it goes on to where one gets married to/from. It is our custom that parental consent cannot be dispensed with especially the consent of the girls parent. But a man of full age may contract a marriage without the consent of his parents or guardians.

Child, you need all the help you can get, including help from your parents. Parents are one of the most hypocritical set of people, but they posses a very strong bargaining power when it comes to choice of partners for their progenies. They remain the best detectives when it comes to exheuming details about an intended brides background, from three to four generations ago, parents can exheum anything, any record. From social to  health, from spiritual to moral conduct. These are the things you don't joke with when contemplating marriage. They are the least set of people you would want to take advice from because they stand in a vintage position, but be careful. Do not be guided by the beliefs of the older generation, it will be an intellectual dishonesty, for you to lead a conservative life. Though stale, parental words comes from experience and sincere heart, nothing beats experience and a parent sincerity of the heart cannot be questioned unless you have reasons to doubt it. You should have been more cautious, it is your own folly to have dated a man this long and still didn't know he depends on external certification before he takes personal decisions. You could have sieved out where the relationship is heading to from the surrounding circumstances ab initio and set the necessary machinery in motion to destroy every obstacle. It’s hard to process but it’s what it is. Not every young man can face his family, especially his mom. It takes bravery. (Did I hear you say marriage is not for boys!) Given this background, the man who wants to marry you must be convinced of what he’s doing. He must appreciate your worth, or he’ll leave you in a lurch. (Did you just say he's marrying you, and not your mother, your grandmother, or your great grandmother?) He is marrying you and marrying your family, your people as well, and vice versa. Now you have spent donkey years with him, believing he is the one, yet, just his parents stands between you and the isle. They have faulted you, because of the tribe you came from, because of your family background. They believe you are not good for their son. They say your great grandmother used to be this, used to be that, they say you are her  Daughter and that is how we are in our family. Such obtuse reasoning.

Your intended husband must not be dependent on external certification of his decision if he wants this to work or he’ll send you into an emotional spiral. The man who wants to marry you has to accept your reality and so must you: nobody has any right to treat any other person as an Osu, they seriously need to educate their mind. Some characters are not genetically transferred, they are learnt.

Click here to read LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER PT. 2 (BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)

You also have to accept that he can’t change his parents. Not at his age. They can’t even understand change. Their dogmatic views has blinded them. You have to work with the knowledge you have of him to advance your wedding plans. He needs wisdom as much as they do, likewise you.

Do not live in denial of reality. Embrace the wonderful side of your life. Accept as facts the parts you can’t change. They have their views on whom their son should marry and who he can’t marry. Parents are often that way. Some of those views are obviously wrong but they come from a good place. They love their son. He can’t change those views of his parents through head-on confrontation. Even if he win it’s pyrrhic victory. He needs to apply wisdom. And even if he succumbs to the will of his parents, you still need to honour him; they're his parents. There’s a blessing attached to honouring one’s parents. Lay claim to that blessing.  Generational misunderstandings have always been. His and his parents won’t be the last. I can bet that when YOUR son also wants to marry you’ll have definitive opinions. It’s like that in every generation.

You can’t use willpower for everything. Human will has limitation. It has an end, hits a brick wall. There’s only so far you can push your will, only how far you can use willpower. You risk breaking your mind. You have to learn to cope with life. This migraine is way beyond the issue of marriage. Life by nature is stressful. Move on.

I hope this meets you well.

Love,

Your Daddy,
Aluzu Ebikebuna Augustine